A single woman in her 40s, Ola Jumoke, has explained why she is unwilling to compromise her personal boundaries when considering relationships with divorced men who have children.
Jumoke shared her experience with a 48-year-old divorced man with three children who approached her for a relationship, explaining why she chose to prioritise the life she had spent years building.
According to her, some men with children pursue childfree women while being unwilling to consider single mothers themselves, creating what she described as an imbalance in expectations.
She argued that such men should be prepared to acknowledge the responsibilities they bring into a relationship rather than automatically expecting a childfree partner to accommodate their existing family commitments.
Explaining her position, Jumoke said she had never been married, had no children and had focused on building her life. She added that she was not interested in taking on the responsibilities of stepmotherhood simply because she wanted to get married.
She wrote:
“A divorced 48-year-old man with three children once approached me.
“Most men with children pursue childfree women while refusing to date single mothers. They choose themselves first, yet expect you to embrace responsibilities they would never accept themselves.
“I choose myself first too. I’ve never been married, I’m childfree, and I’ve been fiercely focused on building my life. I haven’t chosen single motherhood, and I’m not interested in taking on the often thankless labour of stepmothering either in the name of marriage.”
Jumoke said she asked the man five questions to determine whether their values, expectations and future plans were compatible.
Five Questions She Asked
1. Compatibility beyond attraction
She wanted to know what made him believe their values, lifestyles and future plans were aligned beyond their initial attraction.
2. Financial responsibilities
She asked what he could realistically contribute towards building a life together after meeting his financial obligations to his children and any former spouse. She also questioned whether he would expect her to subsidise his existing family.
3. Time and emotional availability
Jumoke asked how much time and emotional capacity he would have available for a committed relationship after fulfilling his parental responsibilities and managing existing family commitments.
4. Co-parenting and boundaries
She wanted to know how he would manage relationships with his ex-partners and children, including disagreements and competing demands, without making them her responsibility to resolve.
5. Willingness to compromise
Finally, she asked what adjustments he would be willing to make to build a life that worked for both partners, rather than expecting her to lower her quality of life to accommodate his existing family arrangements.
According to Jumoke, the man stopped responding after she raised the questions.
“Well, Uncle disappeared from the conversation,” she wrote.
She explained that these were among the questions she asked divorced men with multiple children whenever she considered responding to their romantic advances, stressing that compatibility was essential to her.
Jumoke also rejected the idea that women over 40 should lower their standards or abandon their boundaries because of societal expectations surrounding marriage.
“Being 40+ doesn’t mean I have to lower my standards or abandon my boundaries because society thinks I’m too old to be selective,” she stated.
She concluded by warning against allowing societal pressure to dictate relationship decisions, arguing that people who encourage others to settle may not be available to deal with the consequences when those relationships become unhappy or unstable.